“my “M”—“the letters”— i remain humbled…and haunted by you “dying in my arms”

My dearest Alan,

I wish to thank you for the time that we have spent together.  Wow, our time together has intertwined for one and a half years of our lives’, who would have ever guessed?  A long shot at best.  Please know that you have given me an opportunity to learn so much about myself; my body, my mind and my soul, my sexuality and I thank you for that more than you will ever know.

It is with that thought that I am so very thankful in my life, when I felt like such a lost soul, that you guided me to a realm of self-validation. I had never imagined myself as the natural woman as I see myself today.  It was with that realm that I have reached the level of love and sex to the extent that you have shown me.  You are a great teacher when it comes to that and the gift you have to reach into the soul…my soul, my body and my mind….i love you,  alan friedman.

I have reached an intellectual level in my life with you that I could never have imagined before, and I except that for all it is worth. I have never expressed or shared so many thoughts and feelings with another person in my life.  Please be proud that you were the one to lead me through this journey.

with all of me,

(yours, and only yours)  “m”


My dearest love,

 I arrived at my house this afternoon and it does not suprise me that I am thinking and consumed with the thoughts of you.  Here are is a statement that I feel embodies my essence with you;

 She let go. Without a thought or a word, she let go.
She let go of the fear. She let go of the judgments. She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head. She let go of the committee of indecision within her. She let go of all the ‘right’ reasons. Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.
She didn’t ask anyone for advice. She didn’t read a book on how

 Am I at times a catastrophe, absolutely and unequivocally, yes………yet, I know I am whole and ready to move forward in my life.  I stand before you new and innocent.  I feel that you stand before me with the same sentiment.  And I ask myself this question as I am here…..why am I here, when I want to be there (with you)?!

 Alan, I love you with all of me, and yes, I know that I have shared this feeling with you many times, and please know that since the day we first spoke that I have only dreamed of you in my life.  The ups and downs that we have experienced, as you have stated, are so little to what many have endured. 

 Ok, once again, I am on a stump and professing my love and feelings for you.  As I cry out; ‘Somebody give me a microphone please!.’  Yup, I’m stump’n for youuuuu……

 Yours, and only yours…..



 Can’t sleep.  I feel asleep right away when we said good-night but have awoken only to toss and turn.  I was thinking about how we lie facing the same direction and you reach out to wrap your arms around my waist and draw me near to you.  Then you nestle your face between my shoulder and my hair and gently bite my skin. I miss that.

 Til’ morning.




Hello my love,

I want to share with you what I think of all of the many ways you make me feel.  I have extrapilated some verses of a few songs that I felt spoke to the essence of how I feel about you (and us).

The first time ever I saw your face

I thought the sun rose in your eyes

and the moon and stars were the gifts you gave

to the dark and the empty skies, my love,

the first time ever I kissed your mouth

and felt you heart beat  close to mine

and the first time ever I lay with you

I felt your heart so close to mine

and I knew our joy would fill the earth

and last until the end of time, my love



I don’t know what it is that makes me love you so,

I only know I never want to let you go,

“cause you started something, can’t you see

that ever since we met you had a hold on me

It happens to be true,

I only want to be with you

You stopped and smiled at me (match) and asked me if I wanted to dance

I fell into your open arms and I didn’t stand a chance


You touch me and I am singing

troubles seem to up and disappear

you touch me with your love

and I can’t lose when you are near me

I can take all the madness the world has to give

but I won’t last a day without you

Love with you with all of me,

Mary Jean Russell


I was just reading this again, and it makes me feel so good. You couldn’t have written anything better!

Love you


Sent from my iPhone
Begin forwarded message:

it seems almost impossible that at this time in the evening one year ago I was driving home after meeting you for lunch and a day of continuous thoughts, dreams and activities were in the making. it was a day of “smiles” progressing to laughter as we began an adventure into each others lives; not knowing how long it would continue. well, one year later….here we are…”together as if it was still that first day or days to come so shorty after. I guess what stands out so profusely in my minds eye about you and I, is that from the onset we developed  a bond, a truth, a language, a meaning that we could follow as we progressed down this…”our path” of adventure together no matter what we were doing or going to discover together. it seems so effortless at times more than not that we continue to discover this life adventure and become even more close to each others dreams, desires, goals, aspirations and emotions. you are my “m”…..”mary jean russell”….and I love you for that….for that is who you are,



Sunday, July 3, 2011 6:28:18 PM

My dearest love,

 Oh, so many times, over and over again,  I wish so much that you could understand the full extent of what you mean to me at this time in my life.  Though I wish, but completely understand, I realize that it may never be.

 I am but a mere woman of thousands on the face of this earth.  I am confident within myself, within the miniscule universe of my life, yet I know that in the totality of the world, I am nothing of insignificant at all.  I have tried so hard to be honest and true, and to be the best person I could be in this chaotic world we live in, and will continue to do so until the day I am nothing but ashes on this planet. 

 Then came you.  Damn, a meteor (you) flashed acrossed the sky of my life.  You were out there in the ionisphere and somehow, someway, noticed this mere woman.  I imagine that you were just seeking another soul to communicate with, as is such a satisfying realm to you and your intellect.  You have, in all essences of life, graced my world let alone the fact that you have been instrumental in guiding me to the pinnicle of my sexuality.  I could not ask for anything more, nor will I.  Many times,  my friends, family and co-workers have inquired how I am doing and how I am dealing with the major events of what I have recently experienced in my life. After sharing with them how I have been faring, and then continuing to share with them where I am now, many of them are (I sense) surprised that I have been able to navigate through very turbulent waters and yet I am happy (perhaps a bit jealous as you have stated and I am no longer doubtful of this either).

 Well, enough of the all this gibberish. You are out in the garage and working on your car with Scotty.  I must admit that I have wondered how you deal with all of this mushy stuff each time I pour out my thoughts and feelings about you and our relationship and hope, oh how I hope, that you will always be open and receptive to my gibberish………and my cornyness.  Yucky, yuck. 🙂

 With all of my being, I love you Alan.



Hello my love,

As I look back and reflect (on hundred times over) our time at Block Island, I cannot help but be rejuvenated by the vibe of these photographs.  The photo of you looking at the camera was in the jeep as you were talking to Jesse.  I took the opportunity to capture your attention for a moment and snapped the shot……I many times ponder the look in your eyes and wonder what you where thinking between the two worlds but truly do not lose myself in the question.  I was sharing the moment with you while you where somewhere else momentarily…..and was happy that I had that moment above all else.

Yes, I know that I sent the other photos to you previously but I absolutely adore the fact that both of us were totally enjoying the experience we were living that weekend. In a sense it encapsulates where we have, and perhaps wished to be all of our lives with one another.  It is incredible that in just a few months it will have been one year since this trip. I hope that perhaps we can make that journey again this summer.

Though I have many (many, many) times expressed my feelings,thoughts,aspirations,emotions about life, love and relationships with you, I feel this continues over time to exemply the pure essence of all of that (in one month after we met).

Funny how that is not defined by any second, minute, hour, day or year that one knows someone, as we have each lived all of that with others, yet now live all of  that with  each other.  Is that too profound?!

Ok, I am rambling, as you know I have capacity to do so. Above alll else,  I thank you for welcoming me into your home and allowing me to ‘live’ in your home/space while I am there.  That is one of those wonderful attributes about you.  Ok, ok…..the trash can stays where it is (ughhhhh, I concede).  🙂

All my love,


Love you, and our time on the island.  After all is said and done regarding the nerve racking economy and everyday stress, it is comforting to know that for one moment in time that the universe stood still enough for two people to enjoy a nano-second of fun in the grand scheme of life.  I wouldn’t trade this for a thousand pounds of gold.   🙂



Sent: Wednesday, September 29, 2010 8:02:08 PM

Subject: re: kiss

a welcomed surprise was her first kiss

a kiss as if her rain dampened my soul

deep beneath my frame as her hands touched my back low

a touch so smooth the comfort from her embrace felt so natural

so real, so true, so honest, so warm, so as if we were forever together

time halted, clearing the thoughts of her as paramount vaulting me

only to the present….the past non-existent

her kisses felt like whispers, soft, smooth, wet and her sweet mouth open as to accept me

whispers of caresses as not to stop continue to embrace me please, just do not stop

even our bodies folded into one another as to envelope the totality of every caring moment we had together on that bridge in the night air.



Hi Honey,

I send my love to you while you are on the road.  It is hard to believe that I am missing you as much as I am when you only left just a short while ago.  I guess I don’t even care to try to figure it all out, but I do know that I don’t want to be without you.  You have permeated into every part of my being….incredible!!!  How did you do that so easily?!  That is the question that defies logic.

I absolutely love the photo of us on my computer screen.  It makes me smile each time I look at it.  It also warms my soul.  A soul that was not sure it would ever feel warmth again. I wish you well with your endeavors today and look forward to talking to you this evening.  There is one song I would like to ask you to listen to when you have a chance.  It is Always Be Together by Pablo Cruise.  It is a beautiful song.  I hope you find as much meaning in it as I do.

Until this evening, all my love.


Oh my.  I read this over several times so that I could drink it in again and again.  It is so beautiful.  I especially like the line you wrote: ‘You are the shadow that stands behind me in mirrored image”.  I am so happy that I make you feel all of these things.  If I were to die this day…I would die the happiest and most content woman on the face of the Earth just knowing that I touched another human being so deeply.

All my love,


—– Original Message —–

From: “af/alan” <afworks@hotmail.com>
To: “mary” <mjandzinski191@comcast.net>
Sent: Thursday, August 26, 2010 1:28:07 AM
Subject: re: finger prints upon the heart–“m”–“mary”–08/26/2010

finger prints left upon the heart

the heart you touched

the touch that developed a flame

embers that glow in all their glory

from a flame you started that caused

me to burn from with in where you touched

me so deeply

eyes that stare upon my being

a smile that teaches me joy

joy that brings me peace

solitude, contentment, my inspiration

laughter which evokes the pure essence of life

my life that you so entered

deeply, profoundly, graciously

and yet so gently loving

proudly I walk with you

in the new horizons that we seek

you are the shadow that stands

behind me in mirrored image

wherever you are or go

your presence graces the very soul

of me 

it is your flame that burns so intensely

it is your being that I so desire

it is the touch of you which forwards

me to heights never before realized

it is your body that touches mine in the night

a body that reaches for me

a kiss that provokes my tenderness

a look, a smile, a laugh

which brings me full circle unto myself

realizing the mere pure, virgin fact

that I love you, my dear “m”

you are my “mary”

my “mary jean russell”

and that is you

for just being you is why

this man loves you so

to and for “mary”

af copyright


“pain is like a thief in the night. Quiet. Persistent. Unfair”.