|
|
"father's
day" (stairway to my dreams) june 13, 1991 10:15am |
december 18,
1916--october 15, 2001 8:08 pm |
 the
new day has broken
your name,
thoughts and memory
have made their
way into my heart
this father's day
quickly time has
descended; made of yesterdays
the
50's........the 60's
the
70's........the 80's
and now the last
decade; the 90's
i can't remember
or count the many father's days
that have passed,
but this one seems special; different; somehow
i know you allow
these days like any holidays, just to pass
give it little
thought and go about your business as usual
but for me, as
your son, i find it impossible to take it casual
to much over the
dam, a lot of energy spent, love and guidance keeping me
above and beyond,
far and wide and true to myself
you mostly can
take claim to the achievements that made my way
you mostly have
delivered me and my mind/heart to a place where it should stay
i never thought of
you as my "un-natural father" and i've
always questioned
what exactly a "step-father" is........
but when the
stairways to my dreams and aspirations started to fall down, came
apart, disassembled themselves; you were there helping me to redefine
the new and reconditioned steps to my stairway.....so a
"step-father" is one who builds the treads and risers for
his son to climb; face the unknown and take life straight on to the
stairway of his dreams; i respect you for that no man, no son, no
one, could ask for anything more precious thanwhat you have to given
to me, i humble myself, my heart, my mind
my basic limited
self to you this day and take from it; the pure essence of life
itself; "faith"; keeping it going; onward; forward and to
all those beyonds; as i walk the staircase of my dreams that you have
so generously helped to rebuild
may this father's
day be rewarding; give you peace in knowing that you remain in my
life's thoughts, goals and the dreams that all of us are made of
happy father's
day; moe katz; "father to the stairway of my dreams"
your son,
a. f. 06/13/91
jesse
 dylan
|
"jesseten.682"
to jesse on his tenth birthday
a.f. poems/june 9,
1982 little ball of energy child of mine
little ball of
energy child of mine
i watch you sleep
this eve of your birthday
i feel your
dreams, your hopes and i hear your laugh
in the distant
night air
i understand your
struggles and witnessed your disappointments
when the ball you
throw misses its target
little sleeping
child of mine
you are the
future, the hope and the love of the universe
you sleep so
silently in your soft bed of dreams
and your energy
fills the room and warms the coldest of
hearts and places
(from which you touch)
as you cling and
hold your dreams ever so close to you
i will watch as
your friend and observe you live out those
hopes and desires
you marked and mapped out for yourself
you little energy
packed child of mine, i live with you
and hope i have
armed you well enough to face the world
and meet it with
boundless enthusiasm and love for life??????
little energy
packed sleeping child of mine
my faith in you is
uncompromised and holds you only
accountable to yourself
you are you----and
that is what makes you so unique!!!!!!!!!!!
your father,
a.f. 06/09/82
|
|
a.f. poems/to
dylan/sweet budding in full bloom child of mine
january 1,
1983/revised april 4, 1983
my dear
sweet-budding in full bloom child of mine
at this moment
your half-boy; part adult
and on the path of
struggle to venture out into the unknown
attempting to
discover what it is of yourself and knowing
full well that
many changes will cross-ventilate those occurrences
to redefine and
embellish what has already been set into motion
and now as from
all beginnings to enhance the values and the emotions that make you
so special (unique) to this planet
in all my creative
life, no matter what the struggles, concepts
obstacles or the
fruition in productivity;
none of which
could have been as finely created or conceived as
well as you
for dylan, you
were conceived from the deepest most profound love, out of which all
strength, honor, loyalty, gentleness and passion were in balance and
harmony with one another
how beautiful of a
person you truly are to my thoughts, my eyes, hopes and to the universe
what special and
unique gifts you hold within you
with profound
sincerity, you owe me nothing--neither as your father
nor as your friend
the choices of
your dreams, desires and goals---are yours
and most
profoundly yours alone
i can and will
only, no matter what my instincts may be, view from a distance your
paths and allow you to take a breath of fresh air
so you may attempt
to achieve accountability to yourself
i most sincerely
hope and pray that i have armed and equipped you well enough to
observe this world as an adventure and of its sheer beauty alone with
all its imperfections??????????
your father,
a.f. 04/19/83
|
in memory
january 8, 1918 --
april 14, 1990 9:26am
"sailing
emotions" (with my father: a remembrance) june 22, 1991 12:30pm
i look out my
window father; and i dream
i dream of what
was; is now; could have been and should
the intensity of
these thoughts and all of them these past months have been profuse,
endless, scarred beyond human flesh, rivetted with desires that
produced the passions of my younger self and now manifest deep in
womb of heart
incessantly,
beyond all else; i am driven; senses heightened beyond heightened,
emotional oceans crashing their waves, deepening the sands beneath,
churning, turning over and over again, the rocks of my thoughts;
pulverizing them in the granulation of my fragment words, their
meanings, their feelings, their fears and the tides of emotions that
take me to places far beyond myself....deep; deeper; deepest; i
travel with those thoughts...and write, as i do now; reaching,
searching, discovering of what it is, that i am all about. the
sorrows, the loneliness, the sadness, the joys to come, the humor
that sometimes surfaces; the dismantling of my fears and excepting
them as positive, productive, part  of
the death process: which is life; and i certainly realize that i
will not reach heaven by the back door or its staircase. heaven is
here; father....heaven is our dreams; not a place to go; our dreams;
father. i told you of my dreams once...we were on the lake,
sailing....i just read the dialogue from a letter/diary notes of that
day. to my father..i wrote...with the most intense, profound, profuse
emotions of and with my tears....i told him my dreams; what i wanted,
worked for so damn hard, what i loved so, what so i loved and maybe
could not have returned to me, my passions, my desires, and the
emotional dangers that i faced....even at that moment, i was in
serious danger, i put myself there in order to see, try to
comprehend, analyze, and to him...my father...the truest of true, the
deepest of the deep, the fathomless tears of emotions poured from my face;
my whole world was
blurred, in shadow, never before has he seen nor heard me speak in
that way. he...you father...were taken by those emotions...they were
my true self; were then, are now and forever will be. his tears
flowed like melting butter on warm toast and dripped from his eyes
uncontrolled tears that were pent up in him for years.....and then
held me...and i him...and we cried and cried....and held each other
tighter and tighter...his words to me were..."your are all that
i have, you are my son, all any father could want...your father...is
for his son to be happy....i would do anything for that...anything!.....alan
i feel today, that
moment, as if yesterday...you....me...were sailing. that this
conversation; the dialogue from it; has never stopped....and i
remember it so well; that day...i loved you; father
i shared with you
probably what i shouldn't have; i knew then as i do now; you were
moved, incredibly so; and saw a side of me, no man, person or woman
ever showed you...i allowed you in, close, so near to the flesh
scarred secret heart of my dreams/thoughts....and now; maybe; you can
watch from where you are that self of mine...i hope to grow, mature,
and live life and death for both of us?
i
hope............................father..i really do...hope!
"father.lf"
december 24, 1990 1:05pm
i think of you
father beneath the ground in which you lie; cold, wet, rain soaked
earth now starting to freeze...and it's christmas eve....we would
talk this day or perhaps be in each others company which was planned
much in the future....miami...lake george..
wherever????? but
now you're not here and it is my first christmas without you...Yes,
dear father, I think of you beneath that frozen ground..my tears now
begin to drip from those eyes that once gazed upon you....yes you are
my father....my father...taken away from me....jesus...sometimes I
miss you...i cry for you father with uncontrollable tears and a lack
of you in my life..and I must communicate with you forever........
now so faraway.
i hear the gun
shot; you lying there bent over on the floor and the note at the
door...."i love you, alan"!! your life was over and you
chose to live and take it as you wished....i have not a problem with
your decision, i perhaps would do the same????? but nevertheless, i
still miss and think of you this day as in many other days that have
gone by... i think of you father, with the view of the mountains in
front of me as i write...a view that has and for always will be in my
heart and one that will give me strength; as you well have
known...you father would have been proud of me to see this studio on
the hill that views the mountains and gives me such peace..i built it
with my own hands father....i struggled,i endured, i persisted and
kept the faith in myself...i just had to complete this project! you
father would have been proud, jesus you would have been proud????
I'm saddened
father for not physically sharing this day with you, i regret that
you can not see my accomplishments beneath your frozen grave, goddamn
it, I miss you terribly this moment....but your death has made me
develop my character in such a way as to take the pain and look at
life now with a little more humor...humor you so well used...even
though it might have been a decoy.....merry christmas father...and
rest quietly and peacefully and without pain father in your frozen
grave nest. "i love you dad", my father...the seed that had
brought me into this world....i thank you, father.....your son:
a.f. 12/24/90/1:05pm
|
"do you
dad" questions: unanswerable ones; father june 22, 1991 10:30am
can you hear me in
your grave nest
do you (now)
understand the language (of me)
can you now
realize what i am about: can you
can you make the
differences of me from the dark ages
and know that i
speak with a modern tongue; (now) can you
was the living
death you lead a great nightmare
did it cause you
the interruption of current life
and stall the
natural death process; did it; father
the world; father,
is where everything is brought to life
her womb be; of
doing, having, breathing and being
was your life the
active stream of moving away from life itself
were the changes
in her becoming to endless, were the
transformations to
enormous, could you not see the boundless
radiant energy in
her; couldn't you; father
did you stand to
long on the minus side of her and not recognize
the plus; and were
you ridden with the obsession of suffering fear
were you
was not the world
for you once a dream ; lived moment by moment;
lead with open
eyes; were you not in the world of (now)
can you see me; do
you understand that the questions that i had;
have; always asked
of myself; were unanswerable; that it was
"good";
health and made; makes life more liveable...no matter what
we suffer; do you
know; (now)
i've been close to
where you are/were father; so fuckin' close....
my questions still
remain unanswered...."unanswerable perhaps"....
but i'm going to
keep on asking them; do you understand; father
do you
it's in my heart,
in my mind, built into the internal fabric, the
fathomless desires
and creations of my soul/heart/self; those
questions are; can
you hear me; do you understand; now...father
do you; can you............................
|
|
